The Likeability Factor by Tim Sanders

Author:Tim Sanders
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
ISBN: 9780307237750
Publisher: Clarkson Potter/Ten Speed/Harmony
Published: 2005-04-05T04:00:00+00:00

REALNESS

We’re still traveling down the highway to a high L-factor, and now we encounter the final stoplight. This one asks the question: “Is this person real?”

The fact is, you can’t have a high L-factor unless you possess what I call realness.

There are many definitions of real, but in the context of interpersonal relationships, I define it as “factual and actual”; in human terms, a real person is someone who is genuine, true, and authentic.

Joe Pine and Jim Gilmore, authors of The Experience Economy, are about to publish a new book called Get Real. In it they define real as being true to yourself and true to others; as possessing authenticity and sincerity.

“Real” people, say Pine and Gilmore, know their roots, their heritage, and their history. They remember where they came from and who brought them to the dance. And they retain that knowledge. They know their values, and they behave accordingly.

I like their definition, but no one can define the concept precisely because, at its heart, realness is something you simply feel when you’re in its presence. Someone who is real to you may not seem so real to a friend.

Haven’t you been in situations in which you’ve met someone at a party and exclaimed, “What a great person!” only to find that your spouse or friend looks at you in amazement and responds, “I thought he was a phony.” No matter how you much you argue, you can’t talk someone else into feeling as you do.

When you believe another person is real, you believe he or she is sincere. What you hear is who he is. There is no veil between his true nature and your perception of it. He is the same on the outside as on the inside.

Sometimes when we search for realness in another person, we recognize it by its absence. Much like oxygen, reality becomes particularly important when it’s in short supply. Few of us test every fact we hear.

After all, if we did, we’d wear ourselves out very quickly. So to some extent, we all extend a certain level of basic trust, some presumption that things are as they appear. Then, when something doesn’t seem right, we snap to attention. That friendly man who empathizes with your recent financial losses and tells you that he’s a great adviser seems appealing at first—until you find out he just got out of prison after serving ten years for embezzlement. At that point, you’re gasping for the fresh air of a trustworthy person.

When you give others your trust, you do it not for them but for yourself. You trust people so you can get on with the details of your life.

Again, it’s like breathing. You don’t think about it unless you have to. Then, when you encounter someone you don’t trust, the little security guard in your head snaps to attention and you wear yourself out trying to decipher the truth. This is why time flies when you’re spending time with a real person, and it drags when you’re forced to scrutinize all the actions of a fake.

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